He's lovin the banter,
It's Pervy Santa!
Hulloo hallah Christmas cats!
As the festive season limply takes hold of my sleepy (indeed coma-y) Japanese 'burb I am gifted plenty of time to ponder the sweet deliciousness of Irish Christmas fare that very soon will be passing my gullet and giving me taste shivers.
Just be forewarned that if you approach me carrying anything but anything that came from the sea, I will righteously strike you down like when St Peter cut off that slaves ear with his samurai sword because... just because.
Yeah, they were the guys to be trusted with writing the Bible...
The only man I trust... to kill us all
Well, the past week has been a bit of a piss hurricane as I tried to organise the trip to Tokushima and make sure everybody knew how to get the bus, not die of hyperthermia and make dinner. People are not smart.
One particular hero rang me the day of the event while I was in school and asked me when the bus was getting to his house. Neglecting the fact that no one at any point had asked for his address. Have a banana. And a safety helmet.
Well the whole thing went well in the end and there were no major issues.
As ever these things tend to be a bit of an orgy of catharsis as people emerge from their unlit, fishpaste-subsisting villages back into normal company and immediately need to dull the experience with booze. Two in particular were the tragic fallen soldiers of the piece as their enthusiasm outweighed their livers (or what's left of them) and ended up each with their own team of concerned girls picking up their lady-vom.
One was from one of the other prefecture groups in attendance and was of a mixed race background. This is only relevant because as she writhed on the ground and some maternal types tried to clean the spew off her legs she kept appealing to surrounding audience to get "ALL THESE WHITE BITCHES" off her.
The second girl was even more of a calamity as she downed my wine and ran off into the dark dark night to find... someone, unaware she was barefoot, returning an hour later (forgetting about the person she was obsessed with finding) because she saw a particularly ill cat which caused her to go into a weeping fit about the cat being a disgusting scabby metaphor for "the bottom 20% of New Zealand children" who resemble its less than stellar condition.
By far the best part was the next morning when her head swelled up like a gooseberry with allergies. Scraping the sides of her noggin as she tried to fit it back on the bus.
Other highlights of the weekend were when we were playing a game that basically amounted to full contact rugby with girls, but everyone's kneeling down. After many of us switched teams many times (the rules to the game were a bit fluid) I found myself the only guy on my team, I glanced across at the opponents who were also all girls.
Wondering if I had missed an announcement and being very much in the organiser mode of thinking where I'm announcing everything left, right and centre I asked loudly of everyone there "Is this an all girls game as I'm the only guy on the field."
I then looked once more across the field at our opponents and spotted several rather puny, waif-like critters that their mothers would generously describe as men dotted amongst the girls.
All of all too late I managed to mutter:
"Umm... nevermind."
Pictured: What I did to their manhoods
Apart from a few exceptions the other Jets coming from other Prefectures were a little disappointing in that they were largely more keen to sit in their own groups and play poker/some lame variant of beerpong/sitting morosely than come and have a chat. Or at least come and laugh at the unsalvageabley inebriated.
In the end we played a drinking game with the few who were keen to meet new people and sodded the rest. Other highlights of the day were almost beating a real sumo wrestler at sumo, managing to hold up from the bottom a 16 1/2 foot human pyramid and finding out that everyone else there wanted to stay the second night like we had done, despite it being basically down to a mistake of mine.
Booyah!
In other news Osaka is considering electing the son of mob boss as their Mayor. His programme for goverment is and I wongle you not:
Less bureaucracy.
More whores.
Umm, in even more news... he won.
We had an earthquake a few days back too, a bit of a window rattler. There's a point during earthquakes here that you realise suddenly that is isn't a truck passing nearby or some sushi related digestive trouble, but potentially an obliterative hell storm designed to suck you and everyone in your town into the earth.
Basically all you do or have time for is to make sure your pants are on for fleeing or alternatively, pooing them. Tomorrow though I climb up a hill with my Junior High school just so's we all know where we should have gone when an earthquake hits.
Well at least we'd have plenty of electricity from the nearby nuclear power plant...
Safe!
Still working on the Christmas presents stash, though things are proving a little tougher than I originally thought. You whiteys like bags of dried fish right?
Well ya better learn to...
Sorry for the delay of the email by the way, yesterday I was stuck in Elementary school being forced to actually earn my crust by singing German to a bunch of 7 year olds. There was a reason I was singing German.
I'm almost sure of it.
T-minus 23 days,
Boyle out.
20% of Japanese Children in Japan
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